Paintover

It takes time. Everything takes time, I know it know. Like this little hideout here - I left it for some time not 'cause I did not have anything to write but because it took time to get some courage and get pleasure in little things.

It took me some time to get back my old apartment.
MY old apartment I wrote although for 8 years it was ours. Yet it feels like mine. It feels like it is filled with "miness" but at the same time it feels like I am seeing it for the first time. I ran away almost nine months ago but I did not run away from those walls, mirrors, windows... I ran away from myself.

I am back now. Ready to go through everything that awaits me.

Oh, there is so much I would like to change. Take down a wall or two, paint it over, buy new furniture... But it is not the way. THAT would be an easy short-cut. I am not taking any shortcuts no more. I am gaining controll and I can do it only by engaging myself into my own life.

No more detachment, no more pushing it over in time, no more later, no more next time. This is my chance to learn how to make over my life. I can either sit and worry or get anxoius that I have too much to do or too little time or not enough money or I can acutally let myself do something. Allow myself to make mistakes, choose wrong and finally understand what I want, who I am and where I am in life.

This is important.

So although I have had too much to do today - I have spent time painting over my old piece of furniture that I was so eager to throw away.

Life is not about throwing away, cutting out and forgeting. And pretending it never happened.
Life is about living.

Project Social Life

Project Social Life

You know what's the biggest challenge when starting over? Starting over your social life as a single person while most people you know still connects you with the other ex-half. There are some ways of dealing with that.

E.g. stop seeing everyone, crawl under the blanket and wait for everybody to come and get you. Like  when you were five and your little brother took up all the attention in the room. Actually I've been there and done that. Crawling under the blanket and waiting. Of course there was no result as well, it is quite obvious nobody starts calling you asking if you are alive when it is so obvious you are and moreover - you can be perceived as if you do not wish to be disturbed or even as if you do not care.

Getting up from that couch was the biggest challenge I have had to make since my starting-over.

The second challenge, the phase I am going through right now, is to learn you have to tell people you want to meet with them and then you actually have to meet with them. It really is harder than you may think. But it was doable.

The first step in my social life project has been taken. I have organized my birthday party yesterday and there were those who came, more than I have expected. I was not alone as I had been thinking for so long and it felt so good to be with people again. So good that I felt even better when the party was over and I was left alone with silence. For the first time since I moved out I enjoyed it - being alone. Maybe because I knew I was not.