Paintover

It takes time. Everything takes time, I know it know. Like this little hideout here - I left it for some time not 'cause I did not have anything to write but because it took time to get some courage and get pleasure in little things.

It took me some time to get back my old apartment.
MY old apartment I wrote although for 8 years it was ours. Yet it feels like mine. It feels like it is filled with "miness" but at the same time it feels like I am seeing it for the first time. I ran away almost nine months ago but I did not run away from those walls, mirrors, windows... I ran away from myself.

I am back now. Ready to go through everything that awaits me.

Oh, there is so much I would like to change. Take down a wall or two, paint it over, buy new furniture... But it is not the way. THAT would be an easy short-cut. I am not taking any shortcuts no more. I am gaining controll and I can do it only by engaging myself into my own life.

No more detachment, no more pushing it over in time, no more later, no more next time. This is my chance to learn how to make over my life. I can either sit and worry or get anxoius that I have too much to do or too little time or not enough money or I can acutally let myself do something. Allow myself to make mistakes, choose wrong and finally understand what I want, who I am and where I am in life.

This is important.

So although I have had too much to do today - I have spent time painting over my old piece of furniture that I was so eager to throw away.

Life is not about throwing away, cutting out and forgeting. And pretending it never happened.
Life is about living.